Kurt Gets Into Puck's Pants
by Chibi Pyralspite
Summary: It's not what you think!
1. Chapter 1

Not-Author Note: .___.; I didn't write this. The person who did let me put it up 'Cause she lubs me.

**Kurt Gets Into Puck's Pants**

Kurt didn't have a particular affinity for apples. He preferred summer fruit like peaches, plums, and watermelon which are hard to come by in Ohio at the start of winter. So, when Finn (Finn!) offered him an impossibly shiny, impossibly red apple, Kurt was ecstatic. For one, it was a gift from _Finn. _Kurt wouldn't have cared if it was pocket lint. Secondly, Kurt was very hungry, seeing as he hadn't eaten since breakfast and it was now the late afternoon. Lastly, the apple looked really good. So good that Kurt was sure that he would have stolen the apple from Finn if it wasn't his gift.

Thankfully, Kurt didn't have to completely embarrass himself in front of his future husband for the positively magical fruit, and now he was sitting on the swings in the park waiting for Mercedes with his pretty, red apple. Finn had left after telling him to enjoy the apple, and the only other person who had passed by was a handsome college student (He waved at Kurt and winked! It was really Kurt's night!) who came from the direction in which Finn left.

Kurt wanted to save the apple for later (It looked so wonderfully delicious and shiny and magical), but it just looked so scrumptious and tasty that Kurt couldn't wait to devour it.

He was about to take a bite out of it when the one person who could ruin Kurt's night arrived: Puck. He sat in the other swing with a smug smirk plastered on his face and Kurt hated that he found it sexy (What? He's a horny homosexual. It doesn't mean anything.) especially when Puck started poking him in the cheek and pulling out random hairs from his head. Kurt wasn't sure why, but he just allowed Puck to act like a buffoon without so much as a sarcastic comment. He didn't seem to notice Puck's ministrations. The only important thing was this apple. Why hadn't he eaten it yet? It looked so wonderful, so what was stopping him from-

Then, the apple was gone, and Kurt screamed. Puck fell out of his swing, but held onto the apple he had taken from Kurt, and Kurt, looking mad, tackled him and took the apple back. Puck was not one to be manhandled, however, so he quickly switched their positions, straddling Kurt. All the while, Kurt held the apple close to him, guarding it religiously.

And finally, as Puck was about to question Kurt on his odd actions, Mercedes arrived to save the day (Kurt). Kurt's her boy, you see, and Mercedes doesn't let anyone hurt her boy. And so, she found the most logical option would be to punch Puck in the face; no words needed.

He quickly removed himself from on top of Kurt and left in a daze. Mercedes helped Kurt up. He kept the apple close.

Mercedes asked him if he was alright and Kurt assured her that he was fine, gesturing for her to lead him to her house. She turned around and Kurt took a bite out of the apple before following. It was juicy and just as delicious as Kurt imagined it would be and Kurt was about to turn Mercedes around to let her try it when he felt an unfamiliar sensation travel through his body. He dropped the apple, and in the next moment he was clutching onto Mercedes' jacket as she searched frantically for him. Then she was running and he was holding on for dear life until she abruptly stopped, unknowingly flinging Kurt through the air and into someone's pocket.

Dazed, it took Kurt some time to assess the situation. He was small; small enough to fit into a pocket. A pocket that belonged to…?

"Where is Kurt?"

"I don't know. Maybe he ditched your lame ass to go have awkward gay sex."

Noah Puckerman. How vile.

In order to prevent himself from panicking and/or puking, Kurt told himself that as soon as he was regular size again, he was putting this on FML. Unfortunately, as he started to hyperventilate in the cramped pocket of Puck's jeans, Kurt realized that joking did nothing to help his mental state or his physical condition.

"If I hear you've hurt Kurt, Puck, I will cut you."

"Don't worry, Aretha, my hands are clean."

Kurt cried inside when he heard and felt Mercedes and Puck move away from each other. No doubt puck was waling back to his house to go do "boy" things like watch porn and eat.

Bored and having finally accepted his situation, Kurt decided to play with the things in Puck's pocket. There was a condom (typical Puck), some candy, a photo, and something else behind it tied in a pink ribbon. He ignored that for the moment and studied the photo. It was of the Glee club which was disturbing enough (Puck liked Glee?) but it was also defaced. Every boy minus Kurt and Puck and plus Mercedes had their faces crossed out. It was disconcerting for Kurt being in the pocket of a madman as a defenseless, easy-to-crush mini-Kurt. He ignored the dangers of this predicament and moved onto the mystery item.

A lock of hair.

It was a lock of straight, light brown hair tied together with a light pink ribbon. Why did Puck have someone's hair in his pocket? And who was it from? It was vaguely familiar to Kurt, be couldn't quite place-

It was his hair. About a month ago, Kurt had been gathering books at his locker when Puck walked up to him, pushed him against the lockers and snipped off a bit of his fringe. Kurt had been so shocked that the first thing he did was stumble to the bathroom to see the damage and cry, if necessary (it was). He hadn't bothered to see what Puck did with his hair. He had assumed it would be in a garbage dump somewhere. Certainly, Kurt hadn't expected Puck to be some creepy hair collector.

A door opened, Puck moved, and the door was closed and locked. Kurt was officially trapped in Puck's house as a living doll. He was so screwed.

Puck moved upstairs and into another room that smelled faintly of lavender. Kurt wondered if this was Puck's mother's room before he heard a click and a zip. The last thing he remembered after free fall and before blacking out was the sound of a shower turning on.

* * *

Puck considered that day to be quite an accomplished day. He'd beaten up a few jocks who still throw Kurt in the dumpster (So what? He's in Glee now. He has to protect his teammates.), and then he pissed off Kurt and made him turn that really cute shade of pink in that really cute way of his (What? The kid may as well be a girl. It's not like Puck's gay.), but then Kurt freaked out on him. Because of an apple. Was he on crack or something? What's so great about an apple compared to Puckzillla?

And then he'd gone missing. Was he really okay? Was he actually having non-consensual sex with some jerk in a dark alleyway? Meaning, had Puck allowed Kurt to get raped by some stranger, or worse, Finn? No, Kurt was fine. Even he could only take so much of Aretha's bombasticality.

Puck got out of the shower and stopped worrying because he's not very good at that anyway. He put a towel around his waist and bent down to pick up his pants when he noticed something odd poking out of his pants' pocket.

It looked like a sleeping Kurt doll complete with stylish dark green sweater and light green ascot. Puck picked it up by the back of its shirt and held it close to his face. It was a perfect replica of the fashionista. It even had his perfect coif and unblemished face.

Then it's eyes fluttered open and bulged at the sight of Puckzillla (When did that become self-deprecating?). It-no, Kurt-made a high-pitched noise which was probably a scream and started flailing around.

Now, Puck was panicking. He tried to calm down the incoherent miniature, but his voice just served to cause Kurt to cover his ears and scream louder. Finally, the commotion made him faint and hang limp in Puck's grasp.

Puck carefully laid him in his palm and brought him to his room. He laid Kurt on a pillow, stole a hot pink Barbie blanket from his sister, and covered Kurt with it.

* * *

When Kurt woke up, he was still as big as the apple he assumed made him so tiny and a Barbie blanket complete with the Barbie insignia covered him. He lay on top of a pillow on someone's bed with a vague memory of Finn giving him an apple and a mean, evil giant kidnapping him.

"Hey, Kurt, are you hungry?" Said giant was sitting cross-legged in front of him holding a plate full of different foods.

This time, since Kurt wasn't hanging in the air, he didn't panic and flail, but he did freeze as Puck set the food beside him.

"Look," Puck started, uncomfortable, "I brought food 'cause you tried to kill me for that apple earlier. I thought you were hungry."

Kurt thought that was very adorable and thoughtful of Puck, but there were still a few problems. "If I go on that plate, will you eat me?"

Puck, dumbfounded, could answer with nothing but, "No."

"I'm not much bigger than that cracker."

Puck laughed and broke off a piece of the cracker (which was still pretty big, but it's the thought…). Kurt took it and took a bite. Silence reigned making the mood flounder.

"So, how did you become…?" Puck gestured to all of Kurt.

"I think it was the apple Finn gave me…"

"Finn's kinda stupid." As if that explained him even having a magical apple.

"Yeah."

Again, an awkward silence settled in as Kurt munched on his cracker.

"I wasn't gonna hurt you, you know," Puck said, startling Kurt, "Even at the park, I don't think with my head, so I probably seemed like I was gonna punch you, but I wouldn't have hurt you…and I can't believe you thought I would have taken advantage of your plight." (He took some time to think of that big word.) "I wouldn't crush a two-inch tall doll I could take on when he's full height."

Kurt smiled. Puck's way of explaining was oafish but endearing. "Thanks, Puck. Even if you just called me weak."

"Sure."

Kurt yawned, so Puck took the food off the pillow and tucked Kurt in, kissing him on top of his head before falling asleep next to him.

Kurt was the first to wake up in the morning and he was filled with glee at the fact that his hand was bigger than a cracker. He was normal size again.

He sighed and stretched, content with laying next to Puck until he woke up (Hey, Kurt's gay and Puck's sexy? What do you expect?), and as he stretched he basked in the feel of the air against his bare skin…

Wait. Where were his clothes? Why was he clothed in only his ascot? What the hell happened last night?

"Puck!" Kurt screeched, pulling the blanket off of Puck to cover himself.

The other woke abruptly and looked around for danger, "What's wrong? Did someone break in?"

"Where are my clothes, Puck?" Kurt hissed.

Puck paused to take in the now full-size Kurt. He was covered by the blanket, but an unclothed leg stuck out and part of Kurt's bare chest was visible.

"So, your clothes aren't on you?"

"What did you do to me last night?"

"I didn't do anything! I'm not gay!"

"I'm not sure I believe you!" Kurt screeched, covering himself more fully.

Puck moved closer to him. "You know, if I had done that to you, you would be feeling it in so many ways," he raised his eyebrows suggestively and then belatedly added, "and besides, I'm not gay."

Kurt took this in and came to a decision. "Alright, I believe you about the first thing. Now give me some clothes."

"What?"

Kurt glared.

Puck gathered some of his smaller clothes and threw them at Kurt then left the room, and the situation really set in. Kurt Hummel was naked in his bedroom and he hadn't done a thing about it. It was like the Good Lord had handed Kurt to him on a silver platter. Kurt had been in his pocket! In his pocket!

Sure now of the Lord's intentions, Puck burst into his room just as Kurt was buttoning up his jeans.

They spoke at the same time, Puck saying something about God's will and Kurt squealing something incomprehensible as he jumped up under the bed covers. Puck advanced on Kurt, making him hide under the covers completely, and Puck sat on the bed, gently removing them. He smiled, kissing Kurt on the forehead.

"I'm pretty sure that making you tiny and putting you in my pocket was God's way of telling me to get in your pants."

Kurt blinked, unsure of how to act. He decided on sarcasm, "First of all, I'm a top," Puck chuckled and Kurt ignored him, "Secondly, I am a wholesome gay teen. No one is 'getting into my pants.'" He used air quotes for emphasis.

"Then I'll take you on a date," Kurt smiled, letting his guard down. He'd never been on a date with a boy before (and Puck was admittedly full of smex). "Before I fuck you into the mattress." And his guard was just as quickly brought back up causing him to frown.

Puck laughed. "I'm joking. I'll take you out to, like, a restaurant and then we'll sing to each other or-"

"Gay porn?" Kurt joked, feeling that the date would be a wonderful disaster with or without it.

Puck's face contorted into something painful looking. "I don't think I'm comfortable with making gay porn."

Kurt blinked, again confused and dumbfounded. "Never mind that. The date sounds nice, though."

"Sex after?"

"No." Kurt smirked, and took Puck's face into his hands and planting a sloppy endearing kiss on his lips. "But you might get lucky if you're patient."

* * *

A/n: I do not own Glee or anything affiliated with it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Mercedes' Boy**

No gossip passed by Kurt without then being passed to Mercedes, and this Kurt + Apple = tiny Kurt * Puck = insanity thing was no different. As soon as Puck dropped Kurt off at his house, he called Mercedes and told her the whole story. (Actually, as soon as Kurt stepped out of Puck's car, he was accosted by his worried father who, upon seeing Puck, rushed Kurt into the house and gave him 'the talk!' You know, the birds and the birds. Kurt found that his father was utterly horrible at the talk since he was straight and knew nothing about gay sex. The conversation ended with Kurt being grounded for two weeks for worrying his father and getting a scruffy-looking boyfriend. Burt also warned his son to use protection which had Kurt wondering if his father was under the impression that he was a top. Sorry, Burt, but the designer clothing and high-pitched clothing should have been clues.)

After hearing Kurt's tale, Mercedes was incredulous. Finn cursing Kurt? Magical apple? Puck as mini-Kurt's knight in shining armor? It was all completely ridiculous, but Mercedes' boy did not lie to the degree of sounding high. So it had to be true.

The only problem with it being true was that that would mean Mercedes hadn't properly protected her best friend. She'd shirked in her duties and let some idiot with no mohawk save him, and that left Mercedes with only one option. She had to find the bastard behind this whole plot and jump him or her.

Mercedes forced herself to listen to Kurt's ramblings about how lovely and magnificent Puck was for ten minutes before she told him flat out that she was about to kill herself if she heard Puck's name one more time. So, Kurt quieted down and listened to Mercedes' plan. She needed a lead that wasn't Finn (because Finn's as dumb as a post). Kurt retold his tale, but Mercedes could find nothing suspicious.

"Honey, are you sure there wasn't anything else that happened?" Mercedes asked, desperate.

Kurt was silent for a moment, thinking. Then, "Well, there was this sexy college student who passed by. Short blond hair, almost as tall as Finn, white and he was wearing a fedora with a T-shirt about some sci-fi thing. No fashion sense but good-looking."

Mercedes smiled. She finally had a lead. "Thanks, Kurt. I'm gonna go follow this lead. Call you back later."

They said their goodbyes and hung up.

Mercedes traveled to the same park in which Kurt had received the apple the day before and discovered a blond, tall, white man searching for something around the swings. She walked up to him and asked, "Did you give Kurt that apple?"

He was surprised by her forwardness and thus answered, "Yes."

"Why?"

He shrugged. "He was cute and I wanted to-" Then Mercedes' fist was in his face. So he stopped speaking and backed away from her, scared.

"Now, you're going to stay the hell away from Kurt and if you go anywhere remotely near him," she pulled out a knife, "I will cut you."

He nodded and half-ran half-power walked out of the park. Mercedes put the knife away and smirked. No one messes with her boy.

(So watch out, Puck.)


End file.
